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| 07:34pm 14/03/2009 |
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mood:  frustrated
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fuck fuck fuck.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!
so now i have pretty much zero friends in London outside of my roommates and the bar rats.
why? because i can't get on a fucking bus.
i dunno who to be more frustrated with:
myself for still not being completely over my agoraphobia (i still can't travel alone to somewhere i'm unfamiliar with, unless i know i can walk home.) or the people who, although i've fully explained how difficult it is for me to go to their houses, don't fucking understand and get mad at me/treat me like shit.
who needs a drink? |
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(2 screams | scream like a little girl) |
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| 07:48pm 05/03/2009 |
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fuck this shit.
seriously;
i can't sleep and i'm exhausted.
i'm never happy.
i've been on the verge of tears for no reason all week.
all i want to do is hole up in my room with a bottle of whiskey (or failing that, wine), smoke a pack of cigarettes, and sleep through the rest of this year.
hopefully i get enough money for a new tattoo on my birthday. if not, my brain might snap. |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 08:40pm 16/02/2009 |
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"she used to be a charming, lovely girl, but she's lost faith in herself. She's a monster, she's infectious human waste! Good luck trying to save her." |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 11:53pm 02/12/2008 |
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mood:  indifferent
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so i've come to the conclusion that i'm crazy.
...and i'm not going to do anything about it, because i really don't care anymore. |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 10:53am 10/04/2008 |
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mood:  happier
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wow. for the first time since september, today i toyed with the idea of being single again.
i can't give up on him that easily.
...in other depressing news, i need a job.
[edit] sometimes i can't believe the things i think. brad is one of the most amazing guys that i have ever met, and i can't keep dwelling on what's going to happen to us when i move again. his attitude towards life could reflect how i've been feeling...maybe he seems depressed for the same reasons why i cried through the past 2 days.
do i really want to be the 2nd girl to dump him because i can't handle his moods? no i do not.
all i can do is stay happy and hope some of it rubs off on him.
he seemed a lot happier tonight than he did last night, as did i, so perhaps it really does matter what attitude i project. |
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(1 scream | scream like a little girl) |
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| 12:16pm 06/04/2008 |
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i feel much better today.
cops busted up my street last night...it was pretty funny.
i realized this morning that the only place i have lived in that i didn't hate at some point was chicoutimi. |
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(1 scream | scream like a little girl) |
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| 10:21pm 05/04/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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i dunno what's wrong with me today but i'm so out of it and down.
it could be, in part, missing brad...but i think what's really gotten to me is his avoidance of any discussions about me possibly (and now most probably) going away for school again.
it's just as far away, but there's no GO service and it'll be so expensive to go back & fourth that i won't see him nearly as often.
lame, weak, and not cool.
i could go to school back home, but i know it's a highly inferior course to the one at fanshawe, and i won't be as happy in it or in the career that would follow.
i'm not even going to see him until wednesday, but i want to force him into talking about figuring it out...maybe on sunday...before his birthday seems like a bad time.
this is the first really hard thing we've had to deal with and i'm not looking forward to it.
...oh and you know you're REALLY bored when you're discussing the proper french grammar for the term "c'est ma vie" |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 01:59am 16/03/2008 |
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nothing's more perfect than seeing the person you loathe driving right in front of your car on a scooter.
the urge to run him down was overpowered by the fact that he wouldn't be worth the amount of shit i'd get in...but damn would it have been satisfying.. |
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(1 scream | scream like a little girl) |
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| could we pretend for one second that we're still friends..Does that even phase you? Does it hurt you |
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| 12:58pm 15/03/2008 |
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mood: amused
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anyone who knows me well enough knows that i've had a falling out with my best male-friend.
around october i finally confronted him about why he was being a huge tool, and his response both shocked and hurt me greatly.
after quite a few months of analyzing the things he said, i realized that he really does have the most fucked up, backwards view of everyone and everything, including himself.
so i'm done. done being forcefully friendly and nice to a person who in no way do i like anymore.
...i think the greatest bit of all of this is the reason he's no longer friends with my boyfriend (ie. not calling, never wanting to hang out, etc) is the exact same thing he's done to me.
so this giant "fuck you" is dedicated to you mr. penney. someday i hope he realizes everything he's lost by becoming a "better person". |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 12:21am 19/09/2007 |
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this whole deal with paul makes me so sad.
like, i'm LOSING my best friend.
i miss the old paul. |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 09:54pm 26/08/2007 |
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i am a huge tool.
i'm not afraid to hang by 4 hooks in my back, but i'm afraid to tell an extremely good friend that i like him.
...and this was just cruel:
[17:33:05] Brad : so, ttyl
[17:33:08] rachelle; if i was a shark, i wouldn't be thinking twice. : cheers
[17:33:20] Brad : ps. if you have something to say, or get off your mind, do it.
...and then he immediately signed off.
augh! |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 03:41pm 20/08/2007 |
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mood: thankful
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fuck me,
i am stupid.
but EVER-so thankfully, i'm lucky at the same time. |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 01:06am 02/08/2007 |
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mood:  lonely
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i'm so confused as of late.
i'm getting mixed signals from everyone.
some would say they're obvious from a certain individual, but he's very criptic the way he says things, and i never really know what he means.
it's so tiring. |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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| 09:04pm 25/07/2007 |
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mood: cheerful
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i bought a new necklace today from bleu-lulu.com.
i quite like her jewellery, & she's a fellow BME girl.
don't ask me to justify it, because i'll just tell you
"the dollar's at 0.95813 U.S. dollars....how could i not?!" |
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(1 scream | scream like a little girl) |
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| 12:42am 24/07/2007 |
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mood: regretful
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is it just me, or am i blind to everything going on around me?
goddamnit! |
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(scream like a little girl) |
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indie0_ofreak's journal
